Archive for June 30, 2014

Weathermen Suck

Weather: No rain in sight.  Go figure

Trail Conditions: Great

Now there is no rain in sight for a while.  I feel sorry for anyone needing to depend on a forecast.  Looks clear through the 4th for now but we’ll see.  Last night we had a great rainbow over the park.  It was raining to beat hell and the sun was shining.  Pretty cool.  Mosquitos were not around either.  Hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, grandkids and mom.  What a great night.

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.

“For what?”

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”

The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

A sunny Sunday in Bergland

Weather: Forecast looks great for the next 2 days

Trail Conditions: A few mud holes, lots of mosquitos

I got to bed about 4:30am and at 9:00am I was awakened by 2 of my grand kids.  My daughter came up from Illinois and surprised us this morning.  That’s about as good as it gets.  So my next week is going to be filled for the most part.  If I miss a day or two of doing a report I hope you understand.  I’m sure them  2 little shits are going to keep me busy.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”

“What are the three tests?” asks the man

“Gotta pay first.”

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”

“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”

Tour De Lake

Weather: Nice day

Trail Conditions: Nice day for a ride, dust should be down

We got a little bit of rain last night.  Actually a lot of rain, trails should be watered down pretty good.  The Tour De Lake is today I think.  I got a crew that goes against the grain when it comes to bicyclists.  These people can drink.  Always a treat when they come to see us at the bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”

“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

Growing old in Bergland

Weather: Beautiful Still

Trail Conditions: Nice day for a ride

Another great day.  Going to take Becker’s new car for a ride today to Duluth to pick up mom.  Well it is not a new, new car but it is a lot newer than my 2002 Grand Prix she was driving.  No she has a 2008 4 door Impala.  A soccer mom’s car.  Oh well that is what happens when we get old.

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

“What’s wrong, fella?” asked the bartender.

”Some things you just can’t explain.”

”Try me.”

“Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”

“You’re right,” said the bartender. “Some things you just can’t explain.”

Sunny in Bergland

Weather: A beautiful day out there

Trail Conditions: Probably dusty

I didn’t get much done on the washer and dryer yesterday, a bottle of Pendelton got in the way.  But I did get most of the grass cut.  I haven’t looked at my job yet though, maybe it don’t look so good this morning, I sure don’t.

I have to work today and then Friday it is off to Duluth to pick up Mom. Probably a trip to Sam’s Club also.

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

To wash or not to wash?

Weather: Nice (well somewhere it is nice out today)

Trail Conditions: Very Good – No Dust

It is was a bit warmer yesterday than I wrote, I had my weather site on Duluth and not Bergland.  Opps.  Today it is forecasted for high 60’s and cloudy.

Washer and Dryer installation is going slower than expected but I am getting there.  Water is run but I still have to hook up the drain and the gas for the dryer.  Hopefully it will be in operation by the middle of next week.  I get going late and the hardware stores close early around here.

I was corrected by my friend Olaf in Germany about the USA being out of the World Cup, I guess they play Germany on Thursday.  Olaf I think we will have to wager a beer on that game.



A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, “Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like — Mr. Plumber?”

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like — Mr. Goodwrench?”

A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?”

“What do I look like — Bob Vila?” He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.

When his wife returned home, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks and the car’s running?”

She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.

“Wow, did he charge us anything?”

“No, he said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him.”

“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?”

“Cake? What the hell do I look like — Betty Crocker?”

The Y generation

Weather: Nice

Trail Conditions: Very Good

A pleasant day today.  Overcast and 55 degrees.  You guys can have the hot summer weather, todays forecast looks great to me.  Although I may not see a lot of daylight today because I will be in the crawl space trying to hook up the washer and dryer at the bar.  Wish me luck, I’m going to need it.


People born before 1946 are called – The Greatest Generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called – The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called –Generation X. 
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called –Generation Y. 
Why do we call the last group –Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below…

y generation

I hope the Rain drowns all the Mosquitos

Weather: Rain

Trail Conditions: Very Good

Well it looks like the USA is out of the World Cup, soccer was interesting to me when I was in Austria for the start of the World Cup in 1998.  I was over there for work for 2 weeks and you couldn’t help but get into it.  It was fun sitting in the pubs and watching the fans really get into the game. But after I got back home I started watching football and drinking ice cold beer again.  I will say one thing though, those guys are true athletes, no sitting on the sidelines when the offense is on the field.  I have a lot of respect for them, just don’t care to watch a game.

Not a whole lot else going on around here, guess I just have to sit back and wait for the rain to quit so I can start cutting that damn grass again.

A reporter goes to the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He meets an old man and asks him about memorable moments in his life.

“Well,” says the old man, “one time my favorite sheep got lost. Me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then, we finished the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun.”

The reporter asks for another story.

“Well,” says the old man, “one time my neighbor’s pig got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found the pig. Then, we finished the moonshine and screwed it. Now that was a lot of fun.”

The frustrated reporter tells the old man that he can’t write articles about these stories and asks if he has any sad memories he can talk about.

The old man says “Well, one time I got lost… .”

Beautiful day in Bergland

Weather: Very Nice

Trail Conditions: Very Good

Kind of getting a late start today.  Friday really kicked my ass I guess.  Sucks getting old.  Our final tally for Friday was 142 miles.  Not too bad considering the time we spent in the bars and at the casino LOL. Great day out there today, so better go and get busy.

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, “Let’s hide in that barn, they’ll never find us.”

So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, “Come out with your hands in the air!”

The red-head said, “Hide in those baskets, they’ll never find us!”

So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

So the cop kicked the first one: “RUFF.”

“It’s just a damn dog!” yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next one: “MEOW.”

“It’s just a damn cat,” yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, “POTATOES!”

Great day for an ORV Ride

Weather: Raining

Trail Conditions: Very nice

I always start out thinking that I am going to take a lot of pics when we go for a ride.  I don’t know what happens, I guess I just get caught up in the fun.  And I don’t take pictures.  We had a blast yesterday, rain and all.  We left about 1:30 and our first stop was Ewen Building supply to but squeegees and rain-X, then Hoppys in Kenton where everyone filled up on a Sloppy Hoppy Burger.   From there we went east a bit and took the new trail south through the Ottawa down to Watersmeet.  You ride forest roads but it is just gorgeous. Flat and smooth and trees galore.  We tried stopping at times to take in the views but the mosquitos were bad.  In fact I don’t think I have ever seen so damn many mosquitos.  So we just kept on the move and all was fine.  Becker kept our heads above water at the casino, me on the other hand, I was better at drinking beer than gambling.  From Watersmeet we headed North to Ewen, not a good ride trail wise but nice when you want to make time.  It was pizza time at the South Branch and I believe a few more beer and tequilas were consumed.  I think we rolled into Bergland around 12:30.

We didn’t get rained on but it did mist all day making it kind of hard to see out the windshield.  This deer let us get pretty close before bolting back into the woods.