And the sad part is the weather is going to stay shitty for a while. Snow is melting slowly but surely, not quick enough for me though. I am ready for Spring. Last day of March, that means snowmobile season is officially over tonight at midnight. Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of this teaching:
Getting a Hair dryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m
afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?’
‘I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.’.
‘With your honest face, Father, I’m sure that no one will question you.’
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please!
40 degrees and raining, best weather we are going to have until the middle of next week. Enjoy
Yesterday was pretty nice, had some garage time with a bottle of Tequila. Nice fire going and some cold beers. Beats the hell out of working on income taxes.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’
‘Well’, he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift..’
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’
‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’
‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon’
Around 60 today but shitty after that. Guess that is why they say you have to live for today. Not much going on, so I will just leave you with a little political humor.
My Mommy, The Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, “Is that really true about your mother, dear?”
Nope,” the boy said, “She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids.”
Weather: All over the place.
Warmer for a few days, colder for a few days. Back and forth we go. 56 on Tuesday and snow on Thursday. And I heard they are still riding up by Twin Lakes.
Hope everyone had a good Easter, it was quiet up here. Just laid around and watched Lost. Thanks again Miller.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
Weather: Snowed today.
Happy Easter Everyone.
It’s Saturday night, I know I’m late. But this way I figured I could get out of writing something tomorrow.
Actually it is all Tom Miller’s fault. Miller is the one that got me watching Lost. Now I am addicted to the damn TV set. Hopefully I can get through the last 3 seasons of Lost in time to work on my damn income tax.
It was snowing the size of a silver dollars this morning. Even Mom said it looked nice. More snow coming next week, highs in the low 20’s next weekend. Hopefully we are killing summer bugs.
An old man lies on his deathbed as he holds his wife’s hand. “Dear,
these are my last moments. Please be honest with me. Our fifth boy,
Donald, looks very different from all the others. He has a different
dad from the others, doesn’t he?”
Weeping, his wife cries out, “Yes, I’m sorry!”
The man replies, “Who? Who is the father?”
The wife looks back at him deeply and says, “It’s you!”
Weather: Close to 50 degrees and sunny today.
Maybe we can get a little melting action going on today. It just may me a beer and garage day today. first I have to take Mom to get her hair done though.
Miller I screwed up the numbers. They are 4,8,15,16,23,42. Maybe we should go play the lottery.
Bless her little heart. How sweet.
The secret to long life…
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above.
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,“ she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food — on weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.“
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Forty!” she replied…..
Weather: Can’t get warm soon enough.
Weather sucks, business sucks, life sucks. That about sums it up right now in the UP. Gray gloomy skies and damp cold ass temps in the 30’s. It will get better but right now a little sunshine would be nice.
A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. “First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. “Second,” he said, “You can’t never tell no one about this.” The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. “Third,” Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.
4. “And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”
Weather: Can’t get warm soon enough.
Cold weather is hanging on up here. Way up to 45 on Friday. We got spoiled a few weeks back, it was just a teaser of Spring I guess, guess that’s why they call it Spring Fever. I rushed getting the pontoon out of the garage. Wanted to make room so I could screw around in the garage, since I took the boat out it has been to cold to hang out in the garage. Guess I should have left the boat in there. Then it wouldn’t have been full of snow right now.
A Cup of Tea made with cold water.
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home. My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
Weather: Snow flurries.
Slept in late today, late night at the bar for a Monday, then I had to watch a few more episodes of Lost. Slept in till 11am. I’m not sure what is worse, me trying to find something to write or you looking in to see what I wrote.
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa,
half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe,
well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain,
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece,
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel,
has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet,
wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages,
an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by a pair of nuts.
Weather: Sunny and 30’s.
Blue skies and way up into the 30’s today. But not a creature was stirring, not even a grouse. Boring time of year up here, not a damn thing going on so Becker and I took a ride to the casino. Had fun, the machines let us play for a while.
Shout out to Tom Miller, 4,8,15,16,22,43. I was up until 3:30am again watching Lost Miller.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and
is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? “