Archive for September 14, 2016

9-14-16

Weather: Gloomy.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Tom Miller.

Tom Miller who?

Tom Miller is coming, steps get ready. (sorry this is meant for a select few)

Fall is definitely in the air. It is 46 and foggy this morning. I think we are going to have an early winter, wishful thinking? maybe, but it could happen.

Trump And The Pope
 Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy.  He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise.  It was a rather windy day. The Pope’s little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto.  Trump told the crewman not to bother.  Trump climbed down the yacht’s ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope.  The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water!  Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.  The next morning he New York Times headline read . . . DONALD TRUMP CAN’T SWIM!!!

9-13-16

Weather: Sunny.

Getting into the middle of September, leaves are starting to turn. Best time to make an ATV trip is during the Fall Colors. I would say 2-3 weeks we will be in living color. Come on up and see us. I’m Bored…….

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
 
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor 
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d ju aaa st loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into DA… ‘

I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into DA trailer and I was Drivin down DA road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘ 
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor:  
‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in DA side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into DA udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after DA accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den DA policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
‘How are you feelin’?
 
‘Now, wot DA fock would you say?’

9-12-16

Weather: Sunny.

Well the Packer’s are on their way to a Perfect season. (so are the Lions). Football week 1 is in the books.

Becker and I are on our way to Iron Mountain today for a Doctor’s appointment. We will know more tomorrow.

History repeating itself!

 

One of our first gender-neutral bathrooms

unnamed-13

I hadn’t realized, but I have used

a gender neutral bathroom.

 

9-9-16

Weather: Sunny.

Rain later today but right now it is sunny and warm. Looks like it may be a garage day. It will be a nice night for a fireside chat with the rug rats.

THE HURT BIRD AND THE S**T

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s**t. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s**t in his hat. He couldn’t leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.

The guy said, “It’s a hurt bird.”

The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”

The man said, “I can’t if I take my hand away it will fly away.”

The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”

The man said, “I can’t – if I take my hand away it will fly away.” They kept that up for about five minutes.

Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. “Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won’t fly away!”

The guy said, “Alright.” And he slowly removed his hand.

The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of s**t and asked the man, “What is this?”

The man replied, “You scared the s**t out of the bird.”

9-8-16

Weather: Rainy.

Getting close to the middle of September, book your dates now. I am taking reservations for the House on the Lake. The calendar is below the little house. I might be getting another house in town too. I should know something soon.

Farmers almanac is calling for a bad winter. But that means a good winter if you own a sled. I don’t put a lot of faith in that, but who knows, I don’t put a lot of faith in the weather people either.

SAILORS AND SOLDIERS SHOULD BE FRIENDS!

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man’s truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.

Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, “Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let’s put this rivalry behind us.”

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, “Why don’t we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck.”

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, “Thanks, but I’ll wait till after the cops get here!”

9-7-16

Weather: Rainy.

Boring, boring , boring. Not a lot going on right now. You can tell the season is changing, fall colors are right around the corner. We probably won’t be going for a fall color ride, I don’t think Becker will be up to it. But maybe I can be a good husband and grandpa and take the kids out, and get them out of gramma’s hair. 2-3 weeks and they should be in full bloom.

I’ve lived in New York for a long time, same apartment, and there are a lot of robberies in that building. And I felt so bad for my neighbor because her dog and VCR got stolen — nothing else, just the dog and the VCR. I wonder what the burglar was thinking at the time? ‘Hmmm, I’d really like to rent a movie, but I don’t want to watch it by myself….’

9-6-16

Weather: Rainy.

I had ATV riders in last week that were told by a local business that it is OK to ride on M-28 to get to the ATV trails. By no means is it OK, the only time you are allowed to ride on a state highway is if it is marked with the Mi-Trale signs.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,”  he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t  care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.  “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed.  “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

9-5-16

Weather: Rain

Looks like a few days of rain, oh well we need the rain too, it makes the grass grow and then I’ll have something else to bitch about. I hate cutting grass.

Becker report: Becker is doing OK, last week she had to have some dental work done and a feeding tube put in her stomach. She will be starting radiation next Monday and the feeding tube is for when she will have trouble eating 3-4 weeks into the radiation. Becker is going to be just fine, it’s just getting past all the crap she needs to go through to get the necessary treatments.

      With the kids going back to school this week

    TEACHER:  Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started  before I got here.
     ____________________________________
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication  on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it  without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me  how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What  are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you  said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today  that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:  Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:  Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you  are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….  Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I  am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER:  George Washington not only chopped down his  father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,  Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish  him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe  in his hand…..
______________________________________
TEACHER:  Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers  before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have  to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly  the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I  want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on  talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

9-3-16

Weather: Supposed to be Beautiful..

Mathew: (my Grandkid) Grampa, where is my iPad?

Me: I don’t know where your F%$& iPad is.

Mathew; Grampa, are you sitting on it?

Me: No I ain’t F%$& sitting on it. (Then I stand up and see the screen shattered in many pieces)

Does anyone know where I can get a used iPad Air?

 

 

9-2-16

Weather: Nice day ahead.

Friday is take your Mother to the doctor day. Gotta run to Ashland, Mom needs to go in for a check up.

Yesterday I was spraying houses, we spray for bugs up here. Flies, ants, spiders ect….

It was cold this morning, that ought to help get those leaves changing colors.

Sharing of marriage…

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.   She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the   napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to   eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered —

(Continue below – This is great)

 

‘THE TEETH.’