Archive for April 24, 2017

4-24-17

Weather: Shitty.

Weather is up down up down. 60’s then down to 30’s with chances of snow. Welcome to the UP eh.

Been busy with the kitchen stuff, now it is all tore up and you can’t walk through the living room. If we stayed married through this it will be a miracle. Pics to come later.

  There were several men in the locker room of a private club after a round of golf. A cell phone that had been sitting  was on one of the benches rang. A nearby man picked it up
     “Hello?” he answered.
     “Honey, it’s me,” a woman’s voice said on the other side. “Are you at the club?”
     “Yes,” the man responded. 
     “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are and I just saw the most beautiful mink coat. It is                                                       absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?” she asked.
     “What’s the price?” the man asked.
     “Only $1,500,” she said.
     “Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much,” he said.
     “Ahhh, great. Also, I stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 model at a really good price,      and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…” she pressed.
     “What price did the dealer quote you?” the man asked.
     “Only $60,000,” she said.
     “Fine, but for that price, I want it with all the options,” he said.
     “Great. And before we hang up, there was one other thing,” she said.
     “What’s that, sugar?”
     “It might look like a lot, but I was going through your bank account and I stopped by the real estate office this morning. I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, tennis court, acre of park area, beach front property.”
     “How much are they asking?” the man asked.
     “Only $1.45 million. A magnificent price. And I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
     “Well then, go ahead, but just bid $1.4 million, okay?” the man responded.
     “OK, sweetie,” the woman said, over the moon with happiness. “Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
     “Bye,” the man said. I love you, too.”
     The man ended the call, raised his hand while holding the phone and said to the other men in the room,“Does                      anyone know whose phone this is?”

4-20-17

Weather: Snow.

Yea you read that right, FRIcKEN SNOW. Up yours Mother Nature. I been busy working on the kitchen, good thing we are finally getting around to doing it, when I demo’d the wall in front of the chimney I found where water has been leaking. Not a big problem yet, glad we found it now. Remember to check that tar around those chimneys.

THE LION’S CAGE

A little girl was leaning into a lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump”.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

And THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

4-17-17

Weather: Cold.

Great weekend but the mercury has gone south on us for a few days. But next weekend looks to be warming back up again. Had a good time with the Brothers and Sister Jackie over at Mom’s last weekend. Even the rain on Saturday couldn’t stop us from having fun.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE YOPPER TENDENCIES WHEN ….

 

 

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

 

  1. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

 

  1. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

 

4.. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

 

  1. You dislike the Mackinac Bridge

 

  1. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 

  1. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

 

  1. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

 

  1. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

 

  1. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

 

  1. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

 

  1. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.

 

  1. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

 

  1. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

 

  1. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

 

  1. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

 

  1. You have a rag for a gas cap.

 

  1. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

 

  1. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

 

  1. You can spit without opening your mouth.

 

  1. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it..

 

  1. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

 

  1. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.

 

  1. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is WalMart.

 

  1. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

 

  1. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

 

  1. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

 

  1. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

 

  1. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

 

  1. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

4-13-17

Weather: Beautiful.

Very good weather for a few days anyway I am headed down to the garage to finish putting in the man door. After that maybe a few Bush Lights, or maybe not, what fun is drinking when you can’t light up a smoke. I had friends that only smoked when they drank, I hate people that can do things I cant. I’m in day 4 of not smoking, Becker has not left me yet so I can’t be too bad. Yesterday I found a whole cigarette in the top pocket of my coat, man that was a ruff one, I tore it in half and threw it out the car window as quick as I could. I almost turned the car around and went looking for it. But so far so good.

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Chicago and saw a card advertising for a

Gynecologist’s  Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for  details.
  The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails  getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the  women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their  private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the  hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the  gynecologist’s examination.
 
   The annual salary is $65,000, and  if you are interested you’ll have to go toBergland , Michigan.”
 
“Good grief”, the man asked, “Is that where the job  is?”
 
“No sir . . . that’s where the end of the line is right  now.

4-12-17

Weather: Up, Down, Up, Down.

Nice for the next few days though. Part way into day 3 of no smoking, I been sleeping a lot. Time to go out in the world though, mom needs to go shopping for Easter dinner.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

4-11-17

Weather: Mother Nature’s April Fools Joke.

A few crappy weather days for us but tomorrow it is back up into the 50’s. Not much going on around here, beautiful Bush Light Garage type weather all weekend, Uncle Dale and Antigo Julie and Dave even stopped in for a few beers. Everyone wanted to drink and all I wanted to do was work.

I been laying low, Monday was the day I decided to give up the smokes. It has been a day and a half scene I had a cigarette, I tried to stay in bed and sleep all day yesterday. But now today I have something to loose. I made it a day. If I have one cig I might as well just go out and buy a whole pack. Or 2 or 3. So far so good.

4-7-17

Weather: Beautiful.

 

Nice day outside, even nicer tomorrow. Getting a late start today, yep too many Bush Lights yesterday.

A Fishing story

The King wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather
forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few
hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the
coming days, So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the King the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return
to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to
fall in this area”.

The King was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the King continued on his way. However, a short time later a
torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally
soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful
condition.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the
government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The
practice is unbroken to this date and the Democrat symbol was born.

4-6-17

Weather: Supposed to be a nice weekend.

I missed a few days here, I been goofing off, doing taxes, cleaning the garage and drinking some Bush Lights. Now that I am on here I don’t have a clue what to write. Not much going on up here right now. We had a slow start for Spring but it looks like temps are getting back to normal. March totally sucked, I think it was colder than February.

I talked with Mark last night and he told me that he ordered my new sleds for Lake Gogebic Sport Center. LOL I sold the bar and I am still looking forward to next snowmobile season.

 

1. Is it good if  a vacuum really sucks?

 

2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?

 

3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, How would we ever know?

 

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, Where did he find the words?

 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

 

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

 

7.. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” Mean the same thing?

 

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

 

9. Why do we sing, “Take me out to the ball game”  When we are already there?

 

10. Why are they called “stands”  When they are made for sitting?

 

11. Why is it called “after dark”  When it really is “after light”?

 

12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”  Make the unexpected expected?

 

13.. Why are a “wise man” and A “wise guy” opposites?

 

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” Mean opposite things?

 

15. Why is “phonics” Not spelled The way it sounds?

 

16. If work is so terrific, Why do they have to pay you to do it?

 

17. If all the world is a stage, Where is the audience sitting?

 

18. If love is blind, Why is lingerie so popular?

 

19. If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia, Can you read all right?

 

20. Why is bra singular And panties plural?

 

21. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control When you know the batteries are dead?

 

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags And garments in a suitcase?

 

23. How come abbreviated Is such a long word?

 

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

 

25. Why doesn’t glue Stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

26. Why do they call it a TV set When you only have one?

 

27. Christmas – What other time of the year Do you sit in front of a dead tree And eat candy out of your socks? 

 

28. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?

4-3-17

Weather: Gloomy and colder.

Pretty nice weekend but turing colder and more rain, next weekend looks great though.

Here are official snow totals from “The Dam Man”

Month             Precip       Snowfall     Year to date
 
Nov                2.47″            6.5″            6.5″
Dec                3.81″            39.9″           46.40″
Jan                 2.76″            15.6″           62.00″
Feb                3.01″             31.9″           93.90″
Mar                1.65″             9.6″             103.5″
This compares to last years total of 160.90″
Thanks Buddy.