Archive for June 16, 2017

6-16-17

Weather: Again with the Sunny and Hot.

Beautiful weather here in the UP, you guys can have your 90’s, 80 is warm enough.

I worked on the web cam at Mom’s again yesterday. Good news is I got the camera uploading pics, but I still can’t seem to get the settings right to run the live video. I’ll keep working on it, I have to work the next couple of days, but I’ll get back to it soon.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to The ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will Be $9.40 please” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 
 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” Asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right..Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6-15-17

Weather: Sunny and Hot.

80 degrees for a few days, then 60’s by the end of the weekend for highs. Perfect weather.

The web cam at Mom’s house is down, I worked on it for a while yesterday but I am not sure what is going on. I thought it was a problem I created by messing with network settings but it seems like I do not have any power to it. We had some good lightning crashes around the time it went off and I am hoping the camera did not get hit.

Weeks after I finished up with the kitchen remodel Becker still couldn’t make up her mind on curtains. So I took on the task myself and got the job done.

6-14-16

Weather: Who knows for sure.

Yesterday was supposed to be high 70’s and overcast, but all of a sudden in the afternoon a thunderstorm came in. I had to wait until late last night to build a fire and bring out the tequila. Come to think of it, maybe the tequila has something to do with Mom’s web cam being off line. I’ll get it fixed today. Shit I just seen I knocked the weather station off line too.

 

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation in Houston, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each. Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Alabama, sell ’em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin’, ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us”.  Now, I’ll talk in a slow Texas drawl so’s they don’t know we is from Alabama .” They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I’ll back up my pickup and….” “The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?” “Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come ya’ll knowed that? “Because this is a Dry-Cleaners.”

 

6-13-17

Weather: Beautiful Again.

Great day to wake up in the UP, too bad I just woke up. I hate it when I wake up early like 4am, toss and turn in bed until 6am and then fall asleep until 12:30. I should have just stayed up at 6.

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the Chairman’s office, one by one, until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the Chairman and the ten other Directors seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he sat down the Chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”
“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the Chairman.
“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”
“You’d swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you fire her!”

 

 

6-12-17

Weather: Beautiful.

Well it looks like Mother Nature is back on track. Summer may be in the UP finally. Keep them rays of sunshine coming, we need to warm up the Lake so we can start enjoying a midnight dip.

I have a few inquiries about rentals for snowmobile season lodging. I am working on putting up a new site for my house rentals. I will let you know as soon as I have it running and ready to take reservations.

 

6-9-17

Weather: Warm for a week.

The nice weather is here to stay for a while. Some rain but above average highs. Beautiful night last night, Becker kept me up drinking all night, but in her defense, it was just too nice outside to go to sleep.

A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said,
“My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

6-8-17

Weather: Rain and Warm.

We have some rain days ahead of us it looks like. 80 degree days are also coming our way. Cools beans, warm up the Lake so we can take a few skinny dips.

Todays the big day, I go for my “procedure”, worst part was not eating for a day. How the hell do people do that? All this suffuring just for the Dr to tell me I am a perfect asshole and not full of shit for one day.

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING……

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow…right in his crotch; writhing in
agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:
“How bad is it Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next veek and my
fiance, Lena, is still a virgin — in every vay.
The doctor told him, “Olaf, I’ll have to put your willy in a splint
to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week,
but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together…quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on
their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped
open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She
said: “Olaf…you’re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:
“Look at dis Lena … Still in DA CRATE!”

6-7-17

Weather: And Another Beautiful, just Fricken Beautiful Day Again.

Holy crap I am tired of writing how beautiful the weather is up here. Day after day, after day. Well we were long overdue. Just look at the view of the Lake from Mom’s Houses web cam. Looks nice enough to go jump in.

The urologist said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, Joe was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 tall.”
Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”
 Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
 As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about
a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.”
 Joe was surprised. “How did you know?”
 “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly.
 As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You
could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.”
The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.”
 Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?”
 “Been in the business 60 years.”                                                Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
 As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked,”How
about new underwear?”
 Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.”
 The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size
36.”
 Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was
18 years old.”
The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32
underwear would press your testicles against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache”.

6-6-17

Weather: Another Beautiful, just Fricken Beautiful Day Again.

We were long over due for some nice weather. But it is here so Let The Summer Begin.

 

Hillary phoned the president’s office shortly after midnight.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up.
“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.
“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,”  replied President Trump.

6-5-17

Weather: Beautiful, just Fricken Beautiful.

What a great weekend, and this week the weather looks great too. Mostly in the 70’s, sunshine, a little rain and maybe a day in the high 80’s. A few of them 80 degree days are ok but I prefer it in the 70’s. The sun is out and the grass is growing after the rain we have had, so my least favorite summertime job of grass cutting will have to start taking place on a weekly basis again.  I worked down at the garage yesterday, drank some beers but I did get a lot done. Clean up mostly but what a great day to be outside. Except for the fricken mosquito or what ever it was that bit me on the lip. Holy shit, my lip swelled up and it still hurts this morning.

The next two days are not going to be any fun, I have to go get roto routed on Wednesday, it sucks getting old, but I want to try and live long enough to collect some of that social security I paid in over the years so I started going to the doctor and “trying” to take care of myself a little better. I did read something on the internet (I read it on the internet so It  has to be true) that Agave is good for your body. So I guess by drinking Tequila I have sub consciously been health conscious all along.

Priest’s Retirement Speech

You don’t need to be a Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate this story. Make sure you live by the last line!!!!
Priest’s Retirement Speech
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.  However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!   I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife;  had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. 
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and began his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician.  “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to ever go to him for confession and receive penance.”
Moral of the story:    Never, never be late!
             AMEN!