Archive for Jokes

12-9-16

Weather: Highs in the teens the next few days.

Conditions: Not there yet

First sledders I seen this year, naturally me being the over excited dumb ass that I am, I didn’t get their names or where they were from. They may be better off though, ecpecially if they called in sick for work today.

12-9-16

Weather: Highs in the teens the next few days.

Conditions: Not there yet

Things look to be shaping up. By no means does it look great or even good yet but it is looking better. We probably got 6-8 inches of snow so far. But the better news is cold is going to settle in on us for a while. Starting Tuesday we are looking at single digits for a high and negatives for lows. I’m sure the bar is going to see a few sleds this weekend, hopefully next week will be a little better.

I am going to work on the rentals this weekend, check the calendars and make your reservations. I think we are going to start seeing some of you pretty soon.

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?” The man on the phone responded, “This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed.” So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold Winter.” So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

10-27-16

Weather: Gloomy, but who cares.

Becker is doing good. After tomorrow she will have 3 weeks down and only 5 more to go. Enough about her, let me tell you about my day yesterday.

There I was driving down the road leaving Bergland, the temp was 40 degrees and it was drizzling. The further east I drove the temp was dropping, 39, then 38, then 37, by the time it hit 36 degrees the rain drops on the windshield started to change shape. Could it be? Oh yes, by the time it hit 35 degrees that beautiful white shit was falling from the heavens. Even though it didn’t stick nor did the roads get slick, I was driving through snow, the first snowfall of the year. I think I even got a chubby.

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear.”

3-29-16

Weather: Beautiful.

Around 60 today but shitty after that. Guess that is why they say you have to live for today. Not much going on, so I will just leave you with a little political humor.

My Mommy, The Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, “Is that really true about your mother, dear?”

Nope,” the boy said, “She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids.”

4-12-15

Weather: 70’s and windy. Goodbye snow.

Trail Conditions: You will have to see for yourself. I have to work.

The snow is no match for warm weather and wind, tune in to the web cams today and watch the snow banks just melt in front of your eyes.

I’m beat, crawling around on the floor painting is getting the best of me. Or could it be the bush lights while I am working that is getting the best of me LOL. The paint job is coming together, slow but sure, tile is going in tomorrow, well starting to go in anyway. We are going to be closed Monday through Wednesday, Thursday we will be opening with a new face lift.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

  My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

  Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “I think it would be nice to have

another child.”

  On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

  I rest my case.

  Time for another beer.

Off to work

Weather: into the 80’s

Trail Conditions: Dusty on the grades

Took a ride to Barraga last night with Becker, I guess cause it was her birthday.  Yep the ole gal is 60.  Didn’t win but didn’t loose, so I guess you can consider that winning.  I’m going to go work on the web cam today, wish me luck.

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad. His dad said, “Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.” He went and asked and came back and said, “She said yes”. “Well”, said the dad, “Go ask your sister the same question.” He did and came back and said, “She said yes.” And the dad said, “Now go ask your brother the same thing.” He did and came back and said, “He said yes too!” And the dad said, “Well hypothetically we’re sitting on three million dollars, realistically we’re living with 2 whores and a gay guy!”

Thunder and Lightning again

Weather: Gloomy but warm

Trail Conditions: Grades are good, it will be a while for the woods to melt and dry off though

Dr Phil is feverishly working to get the Lake Gogebic Chamber of Commerce’s web cam at the Hoop working again.  It seems some of the service providers up here like to complement the shit out of things for no apparent reason.  But give ole Dr. Phil an hour or so and he will have the Hoop’s web cam back online.

Another gloomy day up here, thunder and lightning last night again.  Check out the grass outside, it is even greener this morning.  A good day to get some things done around the house, so when it gets nice, Becker and i can go play on the Commander.

PS Hi Princess, miss you, tell John he is still a Hottie in my book…..

 

Note found of refrigerator 

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset I shall be home before midnight.

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: 
 
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to 
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. 
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. 
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Step on a Duck

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said “Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don’t step on a duck.” The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, “Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity.” The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, “Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity.” Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn’t step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, “Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity.” The guy happily says, “Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!” And the woman says, “I don’t know what the fuck you did, but I stepped on a fucking duck.” ha ha!

How Polaris Started

Weather: Warmer weather on the way

Trail Conditions: Good as they get

Trails are good, how are you?  Conditions up here are as good as they have ever been.  This is coming from riders that have been coming up for years, cold temps, low traffic and an inch or so of snow every couple of days or so has kept us in excellent shape all year long.

I am going to a grooming club meeting this morning and I am going to bring up the issue of sleds on the highways and rail road tracks.  If you see someone out there riding where they should not be please try to take the time to help educate them, only bad things will come of riders going where they are not supposed to be.

 

The Story of Polaris from Firecatguy on John Dee (pretty cool, worth watching)

A little Humor from Little Johnny….

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
 
Little Johnny says:
“I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire,
go to the most expensive clubs,
find me the finest whore on the planet,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,
an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris ,
a jet to travel throughout Europe,
and an Infinite Visa Card,
and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth”.  
  
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ….

 

  “And, how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s whore.

Taser – an Oldie but goodie

Taser lesson…A must READ!  Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop in Hurley that sparked my interest.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.  WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home to give to Becker in case she had trouble at the bar when I was not around.  I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Becker what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against an asshole, I did  want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…  I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on  fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.  SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. Becker loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!