Archive for Jokes

How Polaris Started

Weather: Warmer weather on the way

Trail Conditions: Good as they get

Trails are good, how are you?  Conditions up here are as good as they have ever been.  This is coming from riders that have been coming up for years, cold temps, low traffic and an inch or so of snow every couple of days or so has kept us in excellent shape all year long.

I am going to a grooming club meeting this morning and I am going to bring up the issue of sleds on the highways and rail road tracks.  If you see someone out there riding where they should not be please try to take the time to help educate them, only bad things will come of riders going where they are not supposed to be.


The Story of Polaris from Firecatguy on John Dee (pretty cool, worth watching)

A little Humor from Little Johnny….

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says:
“I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire,
go to the most expensive clubs,
find me the finest whore on the planet,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,
an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris ,
a jet to travel throughout Europe,
and an Infinite Visa Card,
and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth”.  
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ….


  “And, how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s whore.

Taser – an Oldie but goodie

Taser lesson…A must READ!  Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop in Hurley that sparked my interest.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.  WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home to give to Becker in case she had trouble at the bar when I was not around.  I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Becker what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against an asshole, I did  want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…  I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on  fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.  SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. Becker loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!