Archive for Trail Updates

5-25-17

Weather: Sunshine and lollipops today.

Beautiful today and up into the high 60’s. WOW been a long time since I said that. Sounds like a good day for Bush Lights and Tequila in the garage. (damn I said the same thing when it was shitty out).

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are – my – test – results – back?”

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”

5-24-17

Weather: Gloomy Still.

Still gloomy outside but who cares, may be a beer drinking day. Or Tequila. Or Dr. Pepper.

A  self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

‘You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,’ the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. ‘The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies,…and,’ pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said,
You’re right, son.  We didn’t have those things when we were young…. So we invented them.  Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?
The applause was resounding…
I love senior citizens!

5-23-17

Weather: Gloomy again.

Weather is shitty so I guess it is a work on the kitchen day.

The Redneck & The Gorilla
A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a      few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo’s veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas available.
Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, and they approached Bobby Lee with a proposition: would he be willing to mate with the gorilla    for $500.00?  
 
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
“First,” Bobby Lee said,  “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”  
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
Second,” he said,  “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt” 
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Third,” he said,  “You can’t never tell nobody about this.”
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Fourth,” Bobby Lee said,  “I want any children raised Southern Baptist
Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said.  “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.

5-22-17

Weather: Gloomy but who cares, I live in the UP.

A shitty day in the UP is better than a Sunny day anywhere else. LOL. Especially Iowa. Sorry my friends from Iowa but I seen this and couldn’t resist.

Time to work on putting in Becker’s new windows and door. A bit chilly outside but that will keep those little black flies away.

5-19-17

Weather: So So.

Walleye fishing has been hit or miss from what I have heard, but most fishermen are getting a meal at least.

The weather is nice, 50’s for a while. May be a nice night for a bonfire.  

I have got comments about my political views before. The funny thing is, I have none. Well except for I can’t believe what a bunch of idiots we have now blasting President Trump for everything under the sun. Republicans did not treat President Obama with the disrespect Democrats are treating President Trump with right now. What the hell has happened to people in this country. I am so sick of people sharing bullshit on the internet that is just pure media bullshit. And how dare President Trump be such a thoughtless asshole that he wants to put America first. After all all of us would take care of a stranger we don’t know before we would take care of our own family right? Wake up people and start doing what is right, not what the media wants you to believe.

 

5-18-17

Weather: Cold, Shitty, not Yet May type of weather.

One thing good about the shitty weather, no bugs. Seen a few mosquitos and black flies but not many.

The Tax System Explained in Beer
  
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100… If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
  
– The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
– The fifth would pay $1.
– The sixth would pay $3.
– The seventh would pay $7.
– The eighth would pay $12.
– The ninth would pay $18.
– The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
  
So, that’s what they decided to do.
  
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.  “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20”.  Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
  
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected.  They would still drink for free.  But what about the other six men?  How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
  
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
  
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
  
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
  
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3… (33% saving).
  
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7… (28% saving).
  
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12… (25% saving).
  
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18… (22% saving).
  
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59… (16% saving).
  
Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free. 
  
But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
  
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”
  
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too.  It’s unfair that he received ten times more benefit than me!”
  
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man.  “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2?  The wealthy get all the breaks!”
  
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “We didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
  
The nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up.
  
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him.  But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.  They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
  
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.  The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. 
  
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.  In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
  
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.
  
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation 
is possible.

5-16-17

Weather: Thunderstorms again.

We had a nice gentle rain yesterday, I had a fire going all through it. Bush Lights and watching House reruns down at the garage. I may have the same agenda going today. I Better put hot dogs on the list.

5-15-17

Weather: Thunderstorms.

April showers bring May flowers, but I think we are getting our showers in May. 3 days of Thunderstorms and then 3 days of rain LOL. Bring it on Mother Nature, I haven’t had to cut grass in at least 7 months.

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

5-12-17

Weather: Warm and Sunny.

A nice forecast for the weekend. Sunny and 60’s. I am going to finish a few odds and ends in the kitchen, still waiting on lights and a few other things to come in.

We have caught up with the flu crap that was going around and I think the whole house has went through it in the last week and a half, hopefully we have passed it on to someone else. LOL.

An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Paul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day.  Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Paul replied enthusiastically, “Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You’ve just made my day.  Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

5-11-17

Weather: Gloomy and 50’s.

We had a few sprinkles yesterday but it didn’t rain on my parade. Had a fire going down at the garage and I got a little tipsy. Note to self, cancel internet access when Bush Light and Tequila are present. I had a blast though, it was a beautiful day.

 

Why Women are hired by the CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”
The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
“The gun was loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”