A guys wife cons him into doing a 69 the night before his dentist appointment. The next morning, to save himself from being embarrassed, the guy proceeds to brush and floss his teeth repeatedly. After gurgling down about a gallon of mouth wash he heads to his appointment. He sits down in the dentist chair and opens wide. The dentist laughs and says to the guy, "Hmmm, someone got conned into a 69 last night huh?" The guy confesses and replies, "How can you tell that...I brushed, flossed, and gurgled mouthwash over and over again?!" "Well," says the dentist. "Your breath smells just fine but your forehead sure smells like shit!"

Three men walked into the bay bar and were met by tom and becker at the door.

"In honor of this snowmobile season," tom said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into the bar."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass tom said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

tom said you may pass through .

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.that had" bbb" on them
tom looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what the hell do those have to do with christmas !!

The man replied, "These are Carols."

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must steve@cbcast.comput it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman . . . He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?' The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies:

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

A snowmobiler walks into The Bergland Bay Bar one day tells Tom, "Give me six double vodkas."
Tom says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When Tom asked what the problem was today, the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
Tom says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my fucking wife..."

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you!

one day a construction worker left the job a littlte early and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. purple with rage he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

utterly terrified the man screamed stop stop your not going to cut it off are you? nope replied the construction worker you are im going to catch the garage on fire

The polite way to call someone a BASTARD!!

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his
behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued
to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise,
he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still
felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY

My damn snowmobile wouldn't start today, can't figure out why,
but at least I got laid.

***************

WINNER

****************

Ask this joke as a quiz to someone.

You: What’s the bird of American valor?

Them: The Eagle

You: Very good of course it’s the Eagle

You: What’s the bird of knowledge?

Them: The Owl

You: Very good everyone knows the Owl is the bird of knowledge.

You: What’s the bird of love?

Them: The Dove (swan also is acceptable)

You: you’re doing very well. Of course the Dove is the bird of love

You: Now what is the Bird of True Love?

Them: ???????????

You: The Swallow

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads

out of

their asses

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No, she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen".

"What's your name" she said.

He answered "B.J. Titsensled."

How come a milking stool only has three legs? Because the cow has the udder, that’s for the Wisconsin folks, by the way they have the best darreair (dairy Air) get it?

Two Arctic Cat riders are flying down the trail when all of a sudden the first rider slams on his brakes and the second guy almost rear ends him. By the time the second guy gets stopped and collects himself the first guy is already off his sled and running down the hill. There's a sheep at the bottom of the hill with its head caught in the fence. The first rider drops his pants and starts doin it to the sheep. A few minutes later he looks over his shoulder and yells at his buddy standing at the top of the hill. "Hey man!!! Do you want some of this or what?" The other guys yells back. "well hell yes of course I do!". So he runs down the hill, drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

The Pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned toward Obama and said "Do you know that with 1 little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy ? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice !"
Obama replied " I seriously doubt that ! With 1 little wave of your hand....
Show me !"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY !!!!!

TOP TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN
And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns o
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.

I just got off the phone with a friend living in
Bergland near the Bay Bar.
He said that since early this morning the snow
has been coming down, it is nearly waist high
and is still falling. The temperature is dropping
way below zero and the north wind is increasing
to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but
look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.........

4 guys show up at the Pearly gates, 2 black guys and 2 Mexican's . Saint Peter goes down to greet them , looks at them and says hang on a minute I have to go talk to God. He says God there are 2 blacks and 2 Mexicans at the Pearly gate what do you want me to do?

God say's Peter this is heaven you cannot discriminate on any one, now go back down there. Saint Peter goes back down to the pearly gates, looks around, goes back to God and says well there gone! The 2 blacks and 2 Mexicans God asks, No the Pearly Gates.

why do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. People should say grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding

A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.
He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut the hell up and empty the cash register!"
HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"

"The most dangerous men are those who dream with their eyes open, for they act to make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence

What’s the difference between jam and Jelly? I can’t jelly my dick in your mouth!

Guy says to his girlfriend, "Why do you spend so much money on makeup?"
Girlfriend says, "I buy it so I look nice to you. By the way, why do you spend so much money on beer?"
Guys says... "Same reason!"

Whats in water that puts out fires?

Tom,

I’m pissed!!!!!!!!! I was riding up in Bergland last weekend with my Wife and I pulled of the trail to take a piss. The I noticed a ranger on his sled pull over. He said what ya doing? I said taking a piss!!!! Then got out his ticket book and wrote me a 400.00 ticket. I said WHAT THE FUUUK is this for? For pissing in public and then I told him in WI that is a 50.00 fine what the hell is up with Bergland,MI. That is when he informed me they charge by the inch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my wife smiled and rode off.

Sincerely

Pissed OFF

A union autoworker from Detroit goes to Vegas. Once he gets there he decides he’s going to check out the local whore houses but being a union man he wants to find a union shop. So he goes to the first house and asks the madam if this is a union shop, to which she replies no. So he asks, how much for the gorgeous young blonde on the couch? She says $100/hr. He asks how much of the hundred does the house get, the madam says $80. Fuming mad he storms out and goes to the next stop. After 5 or 6 stops he finally finds a union whore house. He asks the madam how much for the gorgeous young blonde, to which she replies $100/hr. He asks how does the house get, and she replies $20. Elated, he hands the madam $100 and says I’ll take her. The madam reminds him that this is a union shop, he says that’s good. She says we’ll Brittany has only been with us for 6 months. He says so what. The madam points to 90 year old hooker sitting in the corner and says, Ethel’s been here 50 years and union rules say she goes next...

A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her Husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"

He replies, "Just hold his little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, Died at the scene. ----------------------------you can wait and give me my shirt when i make it back up there -lol

Eddie wanted desperately to fuck this hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, I'll give you a 100 if you'll let me fuck you. The girl looked at him shocked and said Hell no! He said I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up! She thought for a moment and told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, Ask him for 200. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down! She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks, What the fuck happened? Still breathing hard she managed to reply, this motherfucker had all
QUARTERS!!!!!

MY WIFE CAUGHT ME BLOW DRYING MY DICK YESTERDAY AND ASKED ME WHAT THE FUCK I WAS DOING? APPARENTLY...HEATING UP YOUR SUPPER WASN'T THE RIGHT ANSWER!

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can and will be held against you."

The drunk says:

"Tits."

A pirate walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The
bartender looks at him and notices that he has a steering wheel in his
pants. The bartender says, what the hell do you have a steering wheel
in your pants for? The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts"

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs; if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with her girlfriends a lot and stays out late. I try to stay awake and wait for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed, behind my boat. When she finally came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, and then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on under her short skirt. It was at that moment, crouched behind my boat, I noticed a hairline line crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for dinner and ended up having a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice wine; but knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The lady I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said,“Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
Ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

An elderly snowmobiler comes in after a good ride to Copper Harbor and
heads straight to the Bergland Bay Bar.

As he passes through the door, he spots a sign hanging over the
bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old Snowmobiler walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender (Becker) who is serving drinks to a couple of Illinois Boys.

She glides down behind the bar to the old snowmobiler.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old snowmobiler leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady,
are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I
sure am."

The old snowmobiler leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well
then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.