7-27-16

Weather: Rain today.

I watched Benghazi:the final 13 hours last night. It was a great movie, well in a way it was. The movie was good but the story sure sucked. Our government sure looked bad. Really sucks that they would hang people out to die like they did. 6 americans fought off 150-200 rebels, amazing only 4 americans died. It is a must see movie. Our government really failed them people.

 The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!” > 
 “Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”
 “No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”
 
 Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. “Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.”
>
 “Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”
>
 “Why, eat it! Of course You’ve never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!”
>
> Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. “Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”
>
> Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”
>
> “It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”
>
> “Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”
>
> Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit the next day and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
>
> “I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said.
>
> As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. ”What are you doing, Sister?”
>
> “Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner.”
>
> “Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”
>
> “No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”
>
> “Really? Well in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!”
>
> “Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”
>
> On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
>
> The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”
>
> “I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.
>
> “And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.
>
> The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!”
>
> The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You Fuckers are my kind of people!”
>
>
>

 

7-26-16

Weather: Hot.

In the 80’s again but cooling off at night.

Not much going on up here, I’m not sure why not, you are missing the warmest summer I think we have had since I moved up here 10 years ago. The mosquitoes have even lightened up a lot. Just plain gorgeous it has been. Between Mom and my daughter being up here now my plate is pretty full, always something to do.

Come on up and join the fun, the Lake is warm, just right for a swim. Or floating with a cooler.

Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows
with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

7-25-16

Weather: Hot.

We are still into the 80’s but it looks like it will be cooling off overnight. Last week it was still 80 degrees at midnight a couple of times. That may be normal for you guys but we are not use to it up here. I even broke down and bought a new air conditioner.

Sure was a nice time to have a Mother with a house on the Lake. We spent quite a bit of time this weekend flopping around in the water. I am still trying to figure out were all the empty beer cans came from though.

A man phones his wife’s doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor asks.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

7-22-16

Weather: Back to the Lake, hot as hell.

The dock at Mom’s house got a little use yesterday, Becker, my daughter, grandkids and I had a good swim yesterday. The water was just right. The kids were learning to swim and I was cooling this big body of mine off. It felt so good I think all of us are heading back out there again today.

 

post turtleWhile suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.  Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.  The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a ‘post turtle’ was.    The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain.      “You know he didn’t get up there by himself;   he doesn’t belong up there;   he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there;   he’s elevated beyond his ability to function;   and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.

”     Best explanation I’ve heard yet of Obama.

7-21-16

Weather: Too fricken hot. And no end in sight.

We had storms last night. I slept through most if not all of it. Doesn’t look like anything big, just lots of trees down. We are in the 80’s for another week, what is the UP coming too?

I was kicked off facebook for a day because of a post I did so I guess from now on any questionable content will be on my website. Not sure if this is questionable or not but I though it was too funny not to post.

Click here. Thanks Woodchuck

 

7-20-16

Weather: Too fricken hot.

We will probably hit the 90’s the next few days. I know it is hotter where a lot of you are at but this is the UP, 70’s is just fine for us.

Becker’s birthday was yesterday, the old girl will be getting a social security check pretty soon. Come on August….

This test will keep at bay that dreaded disease which affects your memory!
 
Pass mark: 4 Correct out of 10 Questions…
 
New Senior’s Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
 
Please don’t ‘Google 🙂
 
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
 
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
 
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
 
8) What color is a purple finch?
 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 
 
 
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
 
Check your answers below ….
 
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
 
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses
 
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
 
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
 
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
 
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
 
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?   Orange (of course)
 
 
What do you mean, you failed?
 
 
Me, too!

7-19-16

Weather: Nice.

Late report today. I took Becker to the Casino last night for her birthday and we just got back in town. I sucked big time, in fact I think I was in the casino about 45 minutes before I went up to my room with my tail between my legs. Becker on the other hand played all night long and even brought me food up to the room. Good for her, she had fun and I got some needed sleep.

 

It was my first time ever
And I’ll Never forget
I’d do it Again
Without a Single regret.

The sky was Dark
The moon Was high
We were all Alone
Just she And I.

Her hair Was soft
Her eyes Were blue
I knew just What
She wanted To do.

Her skin so Soft
Her legs so Fine
I ran my Fingers
Down her Spine.

I didn’t Know how
But I tried My best
I started By placing
My hands on Her breast

I remember My fear
My fast Beating heart
But slowly She spread
Her legs Apart.

And when I Did it
I felt no shame
All at Once
The white Stuff came.

At last it’s finished
It’s all Over now
My first Time ever
At milking A cow…

cow

 

7-18-16

Weather: Nice.

90 degrees by the end of the week. Time for a boat ride I think. Looks like nice weather for the week ahead.

I got reported to facebook for the pic I posted on Saturday, it was of a guy with his dinger hanging out and a shark with his mouth open. It was a grainy pic, and I though it was funny as hell. But someone reported me for posting nudity. Oh well, glad to see I can still piss people off.

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,
But she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

“No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”
“Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re OK.”
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauted them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.

Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn’t affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,
“Mum, Spot is dead.”
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,

Called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I’ll call for an ambulance and I’ll be there as quickly as I can.
We’ll give everyone enemas and we’ll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine.

Just keep them calm.” Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down theroad.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

“Everything will be okay now,” and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the

Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum…..
“I can’t believe that guy!” “What guy?”

“You know, that bastard who ran over Spot;
He never even slowed down.”

7-15-16

Weather: Nice.

Another beautiful day in the UP. Gotta take a run to Iron Mountain, ever since I got health insurance Becker has decided to get fixed up. If I was smart I would do the same before Obama Care goes away.

A beautiful young woman went to see the gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism flew out the window.

He immediately told her to get undressed.

 

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

 

‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.’ 

 

‘That’s right,’ said the doctor.

 

He then began to fondle her breasts.

‘Do you know what I am doing now?’ he asked. 

 

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.’

 

‘Correct,’ replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sex with her.

He asked, do you know what I am doing now?’

 

‘Yes,’ she said,

“You’re getting syphilis, which is why I came here in the first place…”

 

7-14-16

Weather: Cool down for a few days.

High in the sixties the next few days. Nice being back to normal. Not sure what today is going to bring, something always seems to pop up though.

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good. 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good. 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.