5-5-16

Weather: Sunny.

Beautiful weather ahead of us. 80 tomorrow and a Sloppy Hoppy or 2. Gonna take an atv ride to Kenton. Might even get a little yard work in today, with a lot of emphasis on the little.

Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky. At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, Gus went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”

“Well, not as I’d expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”

5-4-16

Weather: Gloomy again.

After today it is warm weather and sunshine. Might even go for that Sloppy Hoppy on Friday. Becker made it home yesterday, I’m not sure if there are any shells or rocks left in Florida.

Wife – “Where the hell have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband – “I’m so sorry Honey… but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife – “I want the truth and I want it NOW!”  

Husband – “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. ….. 

 

On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it – then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton – and begs me to stop so she

 can buy me a beer. She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. 
             Before you know it – one beer turned to three or four and I guess we were looking

                 pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. 
             Now I’m in her room….clothes are flying …… the talking  stopped….and we proceeded  to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before

                 I know it the clock says 5:30. …… I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. …………
There. You wanted the truth….you got it.” 

Wife – “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you!” 

5-3-16

Weather: Gloomy, Rain.

A few crapy days and then 70’s for the weekend. We need the rain, then the grass can grow and I can start bitching about that ugly ass chore. Last year I bought one of those lawn vacuums that you pull behind the mower, it is kind of a pain in the ass but the yard does look great when you are done. And the mower does have a beverage holder so I guess it is not all bad.

Hopefully the dock will be ready next week, not that I will be fishing when walleye season opens on the 15th, but just to see another sign of Summer arriving.

Becker is on her way home from Florida, Tammy, Laurie and her drove down and stayed with Tammy’s sister for a couple of weeks. I sure wouldn’t want to be riding back with them 3 in that little car with all the shit they bought in Florida. Becker probably has the back seat all full of rocks. (ever see the Long, Long Trailer with Lucile Ball and Desi Arnez?) Well homefully they make it home safe sometime today, the sink is full of dishes, I have no clean underware and the house is a mess.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
 
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” 
 
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
 
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,“Sir,I’m really sorry for the mistake”, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this.
 
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note
saying, ”Congratulations on your new location!”
 
 

5-2-16

Weather: Nice.

Yesterday was May 1st and I received my first of many mosquito bites of the summer. Oh what a joy, too bad the little bastard didn’t bite me the night before when I probably had more tequila in me than blood, that would have served him right. Let the fun begin.

We had a nice weekend, done a little yard work at Mom’s, actually just drank a lot and burned up brush that was laying around. Something about a fire that makes you drink. Needless to say not much got done yesterday.

The Rabbi’s Salary


The local Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Jacobs, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Cohen, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Rabbi will stay on here I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Goldberg, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex.’

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Goldberg, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘fuck him!’

not fair

4-29-16

Weather: 50’s.

Another sunny day. I’ve been a little busy the last few days. Went to Wausau to pick up Miller’s truck, bought an atv to work around Mom’s house and most importantly got Mom a patio set for her deck. Now all I need is for my brothers to come up and use that atv to do yard work.

If you own a Polaris RzR click here

Couldn’t find a good joke for the day, orry gotta run, taking Mom to Duluth today.

 

4-28-16

Weather: 50’s.

Had a big OPPS yesterday, I went to Wausau to pick up my truck and thought I had Kristie working, looking back at it, I may have talked to her about working but unsure of the day, or maybe she forgot. OPPS. Sorry to anyone who came by the bar yesterday, I guess I owe you one.

 

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

 

She opens the window and yelled to me, 
‘You need a piece of tail. ‘

 

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 
‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!

 

4-27-16

Weather: 50’s and sunny as far as the eye can see.

Beautiful day for a ride, going to Wausau today. Had the truck I bought shipped up to there. As much as I wanted to go see Tom and Holly in Missouri, I just didn’t want to drive for 25 hours in 2 days. Found a reasonable place to ship it up most of the way.

It looks like our weather has taken a turn for the better, nothing but sunshine ahead for 10 days, Walleye season opens May 15th, and I can almost taste a the Sloppy Hoppy I am going to have after taking an ATV ride out to Kenton.

Spring is here folks, come up and see us……..

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?”
“Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?”
“Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.
“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
“Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.
“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

4-26-16

Weather: 50’s.

40 Years ago yesterday, click here. 

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. 

 

The boy now has company. 

 

Boy: “Dark in here.” 

Man: “Yes it is.” 

Boy: “I have a baseball.” 

Man: “That’s nice.” 

 

Boy: “Want to buy it?” 

Man: “No, thanks.” 

 

Boy: “My dad’s outside.” 

Man: “OK, how much?” 

Boy: “$250.” 

Man: “Fine.” 

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. 

 

Boy: “Dark in here.” 

Man: “Yes, it is.” 

 

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” 

Man: “How much?” 

Boy: “$750.” 

Man: “Fine.” 

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.” 

 

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.” 

 

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” 

 

The son says, “$1,000.” 

 

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” 

 

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. 

 

The boy says, “Dark in here.” 

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”

4-25-16

Weather: Rain.

We need the rain, April showers bring May flowers you know. Gonna be nice the rest of the week, in the 50’s. Becker is down in Florida with Tammy, they are enjoying 80 degree weather. You can have Florida, it is not for me. 80’s may be good for floating around the Lake on a pontoon but I wouldn’t want the heat they get in the Summer.

Getting around the time to take the side by side for a ride, another week or two and they trails will be dried out. I’m dying for a Sloppy Hoppy.

I am not going on a road trip to pick up the truck I bought from Miller, found Nation Wide Transport and they are shipping it up for a couple hundred more than what I figured it would cost to drive down and get it. Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing Party Cove.

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big Croc, “What have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.

“Hmm! Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp, near the parking lot by the Capitol.”

“Same here. How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem.

You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.