5-5-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

72 and sunny. Late start today, not feeling like doing a damn thing, but I got to go get er done. Now if I can figure out what the hell “er” is for today I can start.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

Not a chance she replied. He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in a cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes” he said.

She called the doctor the next day. “How did it go?” he asked.

“Oh faith, begosh and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible,  I tell ya!! I’m beside meself!”

“Really?  What in the world happened?”

“Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his coffee took effect right almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there on top of the table. Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

Why so terrible” asked the doctor, “Wasn’t the sex good?”

“Freakin day, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again”

5-4-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

A little bit of rain yesterday, just enough to wake up them damn bugs. We were still working in the yard over Sullys yesterday, got a lot more to do, but slowly but surely it is getting done. Well today is order day, got to get some more beer.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all
the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

‘You ok?’ she says.

‘Yes.’ he says.

‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says.

‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says.

‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,‘Because I’m the goalie!’

5-3-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

Anybody watch the Merriweather fight last night? I sure don’t know what all the hype was about. Then again I never got into boxing much.

Becker was busy cleaning up the lot across the street from the bar yesterday, I ended up working all day so she was on her own. Poor thing worked her ass off, the county plow trucks kind of tore up the lot. We had to get it back in shape so they would allow us to use it again next year.

 

I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane.

I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat.   As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine.

Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

 

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

 

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

 

“Lecturer,” she responded.” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

 

“Really?”  I said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

 

“Well,” she explained, ” One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.”  I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

 

“Tonto,” I said,” Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”  

5-2-15

Weather: Into the 70’s.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

I bought a lawn vac and it was delivered yesterday. I put it together and tried it out for a bit. The jury is still out on whether it was a good purchase or not. $1500 is a lot of money but with 3 big yards to take care of and the thought of never racking leaves again, I had to give it a try.

Becker and I took a ride to the Casino last night, results were not to good, could have been worse but I forgot my wallet and had no chance of using the ATM. Moral of the story “Sometimes being dumb can be a good thing.”

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

4-30-15

Weather: Cooler and Gloomy.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

Temps are a little cooler but no bugs yet, I am not complaining. Last day of April today, next month we are closing on Mom’s house on Lake Gogebic. Can’t wait it will be nice having her wake up to sunrises and sun sets on the Lake. Late start today, I was up late watching the series Banshee with Becker. It’s a wild show if you have not seen it. Well I got to get going, more yard work in store for today.

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.

Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

 

4-29-15

Weather: As good as it gets.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

Weather report is still the same, Beautiful, just fricken Beautiful. Sorry the the no report yesterday, I was in a hurry to get back over to Sullys and keep going on the yard. Behind the rental house it was all weeds, and glass and shingles and old building materials. What a damn mess, but it is getting there. It looks like it may be a nice place for a deck and a hot tub LOL, just kidding, then I would have to raise the rent.

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
“Very good, that’s a big word.”
The second boy says, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my Aunt Katz has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

4-27-15

Weather: As good as it gets.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

Sunshine for the week ahead, a great time to be in the UP. So where the hell is everyone LOL. It has been slow at the bar, M-28 looks deserted too. Not much going on up here and to me this is the best time of the year, except for snowmobile season. No flies and only a few mosquitos, oh and the wood tics. We didn’t get a lot done over by Sullys yesterday, Becker needed a day off, I picked up a little but then called it a day myself. We started watching the series Banshee, one of those can’t stop watching kind of shows, we went to bed at 3:30 this morning.

Doctor A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.
The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..

4-26-15

Weather: Nice Still.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

Another nice day in the UP, Becker and I have been cleaning up over Sullys, and we will be back at it today. Kind of nice working outside after being trapped in the bar doing the floor for a week.

Been seeing a few side by sides around, it has been tempting to jump on ours and go see Jane for a Sloppy Hoppy. But we have all Summer for that, at least that is what I have been telling myself all weekend. Roger’s Bar had a poker run yesterday, I wanted to go but we had too much work to do around the bar.

 

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied; “but mom’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”

4-25-15

Weather: Nice.

Trail Conditions: Grades are good.

Beautiful outside. A great weekend and next week looks even better. Spring has sprung, Finally. Now back to cleaning up the mess over at Sullys. The heavy wet snow last November took out the second floor front porch, Lots of crap to clean up, and then I have to deal with the rest of the building LOL.

Follow these easy, proven, 13 steps financial well being.
1. Don’t marry her.
2. Use your parent’s address for your mail.
3. Guy (you) buys a house.
4. Guy rents out house to his girl girlfriend who has 2 of his kids.
5. Section 8 will pay $900 a month for a 3 bedroom home.
6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn’t have to pay out the butt for family insurance.
7. Girlfriend gets to go to college free for being a single mother.
8. Girlfriend gets $600 a month for food stamps.
9. Girlfriend gets free cell phone.
10. Girlfriend get free utilities.
11. Guy moves into home but uses moms house to get mail sent to.
12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims one kid on taxes. Now you both get to claim head of house hold at $1800 credit.
13. Girlfriend gets disability for being “crazy” or having a “bad back” at  $1800 a month and never has to work again.
This plan is perfectly legal (not verified) and is being executed now by millions of people.
A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0.00 dollars.
An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets:
$21600 disability +
$10800 free housing +
$6000 free Obamacare +
$6000 free food +
$4800 free utilities +
$6000 Pell grant money to spend +
$12000 a year in college tuition free from Pell grant +
$8800 tax benefit for being a single mother
=$75,000 a year in benefits

Any idea why the country is 18 + trillion in debt.

Keep it up, your children will pay the price.

4-24-15

Weather: Looking better.

Trail Conditions: Grades should be OK.

Great weather for the week ahead, 50 & 60’s as far as the eye can see. Beware though, it is the UP and we probably have not seen the last of the white stuff falling from the sky.

 1. Teaching Maths In 1950s
A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What
is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1970s


A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or
$80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Maths In 1990s


A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is
$20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2000s 


A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it’s ok).
6. Teaching Maths In 2050


هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار
. تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف الكثير من المال ولم؟