8-3-15

Weather: Ahh, back in the 60’s.

Cool times in the UP, 60’s is great. Time to put away the boat and get out the side by side. Or maybe I’ll just go into work today. Monday’s suck LOL.

Ben woking at Mom’s new house, getting the garage down below in shape for winter storage, gotta find a place for all the summer toys. I’m sure August is going to fly by as quick as July did, fall colors will be starting pretty soon, great time to go riding out in the woods.

 

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach…
Image result for A nude beach

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
Image result for nude beach
than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.’

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
Image result for men walking along nudist beach
that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is’

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ‘Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

8-2-15

Weather: Chance of Thunderstorms today.

Come to the UP and beat the heat. After today we are headed for mid to high 60’s for a few days. Just what we needed a nice cool down. Dry weather has also kept our mosquito population down.

An old farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said
he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
           store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire
           purchases home. While he
           was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
           lady who told him
           she was lost.
           She asked,
           ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’
          
           The farmer
           said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
           to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t
          carry this lot.’
          
          The old lady
          suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in
         the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other
        hand?’
      ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.
 We’ll be there in no time.’
 The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a
 lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
 that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull
up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’

8-1-15

Weather: Sunny and warm.

Happy August everyone, summer is going quick. And so is the morning, Becker and I had some beers at the bar and slept upstairs, I just ran home to shower and write this. Gotta run……

Jeff had been in business for 25 years.. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.  He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.  “Name’s Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.”

 

“Great”, says Jeff, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

 

As Stan is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!”

 

“Not a problem” says Jeff. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.”

 

“Well, I get along with people,  I’ll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well …..I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

 

“More’n likely be some wild sex, too,”

 

“Now that’s really not a problem” says Jeff, warming to the idea.  “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

 

“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

7-31-15

Weather: Cool and Sunny.

Uncle Dale, you just had to bring out the Pendelton last night. Oh well at least we figured out all the world’s problems. Beautiful night last night, looks like it will be a great day today also. Think I better get on that honey do list, after all it is the last day of July.  Four more months and it will be snow time, I gotta get going on the booking calendar for winter rentals, don’t worry Les I have your email saved with your dates.

A very cranky old woman was arrested for  shoplifting at a grocery store.

 

She gave everyone a hard time,  from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting  officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

 

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked  what she had stolen from the store.

 

The lady defiantly replied,  “Just a stupid can of peaches.”

 

The judge then asked why she had  done it.

 

She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash  to the store.”

 

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. 

 

She replied, “Nine, but what do you care about that?”

 

The judge patiently said, “Well,  ma’am, because I’m going to give you  nine days in jail — one day for each peach.”

 

As the judge was  about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long suffering husband raised  his hand and asked if he might speak.

 

The judge  said, “Yes, what do you have to add?”

 

The husband said, “Your  Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”

7-30-15

Weather: Cooler finally.

First of all I didn’t forget about doing the blog yesterday, godaddy was down yesterday morning, first time in 9 years. I had friends to meet for breakfast, and then we went on a sight seeing tour in the UP. We seen 5 bars, 3 Lakes, 2 waterfalls and 1 dead deer. It was a good day.

Bond Falls is really worth the trip, and stopping at Hoppy’s, you know Jane is worth the trip too. Fred’s new gun shop next door is very nice, I think I am going to tell Becker I want a gun for Christmas.

 MURPHY’S LESSER KNOWN LAWS         
         
    1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.     
    
    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.         
         
    3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.         
         
    4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.         
         
    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.         
         
    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.         
         
    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.         
         
    8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.         
         
    9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.         
         
   10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.         
         
   11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.         
         
  12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.         
         
  13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.         
         
  14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.        



7-28-15

Weather: Low 80’s and overcast.

A little break in the weather today, maybe a shower tonight to cool things off a bit. I had a late night in the bar, been I while since I stayed open till closing time on a Monday. The guys from Wisconsin are up cutting the hay fields and they were pretty thirsty when they came in.

Phil was bragging to his friend Don one day, “You know, I

know everyone der is to know. Yust name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

 

Tired of his boasting, Don  called his bluff, “OK, Phil how about Tom

Cruise?”

 

“Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it.”

 

Phil and Don fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door,

and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Phil! Great to see you! You and

your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

 

Although impressed, Don is still skeptical. After they leave

Cruise’s house, he tells Phil that he thinks his knowing Cruise was

just lucky.

 

“No, no, just name anyvon else,” Phil says.

 

”President Obama,” Don  quickly retorts.

 

“Ya sure,” Phil says, “I know him. We’ll fly out to Washington to see

him.” Off they go.

 

At the White House, Obama spots Phil on the tour and motions him and

Don  over, saying, “Phil, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a

meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of

coffee first and catch up.”

 

Don  is shaken now, but still not totally convinced.

 

After they leave the White House grounds, Don expresses his doubts to

Phil, who again implores him to name anyone else.

 

“The Pope”, Don  replies. “Sure!” says Phil. “I’ve known the Pope a

long time.”

 

The unconvinced Don flies them off to Rome. Phil and Don are

assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Phil says; “This will

never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell

you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out

on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed

toward the Vatican.

 

Fifteen minutes later Phil emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

 

By the time Phil returns, Don has had a heart attack and is

surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his Don ‘s side, Phil asks

him, “What happened?”

 

Don  looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope

came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

‘Who’s that on the balcony with Phil?

7-27-15

Weather: YET Another scorcher.

Turn up the heat. If we can’t have snow we might just as well sit here and bake in the sun. Not a fun time for fat people let me tell you, I should know. 81 degrees already and it is just after 11am.

Becker took a ride on the lake last night, just pulled off shore, dropped anchor and jumped in the lake. Ahhhh instant cool, a good time to be fat. More surface area equals faster cooling.

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

 

 

  1. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

 

9.Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

 

8.Viagra, like a rock!

 

7.Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

 

6.Viagra, Be all that you can be.

 

5.Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

 

  1. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

 

3.Viagra, Home of the whopper!

 

  1. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan
:

  1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

7-26-15

Weather: Another scorcher.

Yesterday was hot, today is going to be hotter. I think the heat got to me, I was in bed by 9pm last night. Today we are doing some work on Mom’s driveway, so there may be beer involved. Good thing I got some rest.

A guy goes into the US Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He  replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Ok,  Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,”  he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The  interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The  guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The  interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. 
 
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.
” The  guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that.”

7-25-15

Weather: Ouch, gonna be a scorcher.

Yesterday was beautiful up here. I got a lot done over mom’s house too, getting electric run the the garage down below, ditches dug, wire ran. Grass seed planted and then it rained later at night. Perfect.

Near 90 the next few days, that’s too hot, it may just be time for the fun Island and the Lake cooler. That is an inflatable cooler that stores ice and your favorite Bush Light cans. Sounds like a plan.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed 

a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go
faster. ‘

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but
then I wouldn’t have a siren.’ 

7-24-15

Weather: Rain today, nice tomorrow.

WTF living in the great state of Michigan is not so fricken great when you are searching for car insurance. I’m getting quotes for Mom’s insurance and it looks like it may damn near double. So much for telling her it is cheaper living up here.

JIM (2)