7-7-15

Weather: Sunshine, lolly pops and rainbows everything…

Sunshine through the weekend. A great time to be up here in the UP. Sounds like fishermen are doing better on the Lake also, I heard of a 30 inch walleye being caught the other day. But then again the fish are always bigger in the Bay Bar.

 

A Heartwarming Story

 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the road-side eating
grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man
replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over here under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated “You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But
sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the  lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really
love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

C’mon…did you really think there was such a thing
as a ‘heartwarming lawyer story’???

7-6-15

Weather: Beautiful, if you are a duck.

July showers bring August…….or something like that. Crappy weather but who cares, good day to kick back in the garage and drink beer, oh wait I gotta work today. Damn, I get to watch everyone else drink beer. BUMMER.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic ‘ the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. ‘STOP!’ he shouted in a firm voice. ‘Have you got a license for that vehicle?’ Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. ‘OK’ he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted ‘STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?’ Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said ‘On your way, Ma’am.’
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his manhood member in his hand. Stop!- he yelled.
 
Oh, good grief,’ yelled Ethel, ‘Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!’

7-5-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Happy 5th of July. Spent last night playing left, right center with Mom and the Bros. I heard fireworks going off all over but only seen a few. Becker has her family in and they spent the night up at the fire pit. A good time was had by all.

Cletus is passing by Billy   Bob   ‘s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy   Bob   doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”

Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me ‘n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to         a tractor.”

7-4-15

Happy 4th of July!….

ATT00005


I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS,  ONE NATION UNDER  GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! 

KEEP IT LIT!! KEEP IT LIT! 
For all of our other military personnel, where ever they may be.  
Please Support all of the troops defending our country. 

And God Bless our Military  
who are protecting our Country for our Freedom.
Thanks to them, and their sacrifices, we can celebrate the 4th of  July.

                    

We must never forget who gets the credit for the freedoms we have,  of which we should be eternally grateful.

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.

A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease.

I looked at him in uniform;
so young, so tall, so proud.
With hair cut square and eyes alert,
he’d stand out in any crowd.

ATT00011


I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years.
How many died on foreign soil

how many mothers’ tears?ATT00012

 
How many pilots’ planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers’ graves?
NO, FREEDOM ISN’T FREEATT00013

!
I heard the sound of Taps one night,
when everything was still.
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant ‘Amen.’
 
When a flag had draped a coffin
of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,
of the mothers and the wives,
of fathers, sons and husbands
With interrupted lives.ATT00015


I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea.
 
Of unmarked graves in Arlington .
NO FREEDOM ISN’T FREEATT00016

Enjoy Your Freedom and
God Bless Our Troops.

When you receive this,  
please stop for a moment
and say a prayer for our servicemen

Of all the gifts you could give a

U.S. Soldier, prayer is the very best one.
      God Bless all!

7-2-15

Weather: Weather outside is not matching up with forecast.

WTF, internet says sunny and outside is gloomy, doesn’t Mother Nature read the damn internet? Typical women I guess, has a mind of her own and don’t listen LOL.

I have some major problems going on with Facebook. It looks like all the posts that were automatically transferred from my web site to Facebook are gone. So is the interaction with my followers gone. This is not good, but hopefully it is something we can figure out. I Hope it is not because they don’t like my content or my sick sense of humor.

A Scotsman moves to the U.S. and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters’ box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming “Run!!!” The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers “RUN!! RUN!!”.
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: “Walk.” The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, “Run ye lazy bastard, run!” The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man’s embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can’t run — he has four balls.”
The Scot stands up and screams: “Walk with pride, Laddie!”

Happy July 1st

Weather: Very nice.

A chance for a thunderstorm on Friday but nice otherwise. We are into July my friends, only 4 months, 29 days, 14 hours and 53 minutes till the snowmobile trails open.

Fishing has improved, mosquitoes have dwindled down some and we have cold beer. What better time to come visit us in the UP?

Becker and I have not even been out on the side by side. Only been on the pontoon twice, so I guess we have to change our priorities, Summer is going quick and there is a lot of fun we need to have before it is over.

 

The Jewish Quarterback:
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback.  He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.  
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

 
 
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. 
KA-BLOOEY!
 
Then he threw  another at a passing car going 90 mph.  BULLS-EYE!
 
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect Arm!”
 
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
 
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
 
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
 
“I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.” You are not my son!”
 
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

 

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”  The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
 
“I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!!!! 

Last day of June

Weather: High 50’s.

All the way up to 57 today, why does that seem so warm in the Spring, yet if feels so cold in the middle of Summer? It must be our bodies telling us that it is just not right for this time of year. At any rate who cares, nice weather after that all the way through the weekend.

Mickey O’ Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

 

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

 

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

 

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary,

became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

 

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it,

and he was immediately fired.

 

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said,

“I don’t understand. What about the pickle slicer?”

 

Mickey replied,  “I think she got fired, too.”

 

6-29-15

Weather: Rain today maybe.

Had a good day yesterday, forecast called for rain all day, but it held off most of the day and we had a cool thunderstorm later in the afternoon. Mom really enjoyed watching the lightening over the Lake, no word yet on DSL at Mom’s house.

Not sure what is up for this week, wedding to go to over the weekend, John and Laurie are getting hitched. You all know Laurie from the Root Cellar.

This weekend is 4th of July, the summer is going fast. I gotta get my winter calendar going, I got your email Les and I’ll email you back as soon as I get your dates down.

I was standing at the BBB when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked  him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?”
 
He says “No, why the Heck did you ask me that?
Is it because I am Chinese?
Are you a racist?!” 

“No”, I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little prick.”

6-28-15

Weather: Rain today.

A lazy day was had by Becker and I yesterday, boating on Friday kicked our asses I guess. Or maybe we are just getting old, or both. Today it is a cookout over at Mom’s house. I’m still trying to get internet hooked up over there, At&t says it does not exist, I told them the lady that lived there before had it, they are sending out an engineer to investigate.

 

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning…. 

    Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’ he squeaks.
 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair… He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’ he roars.Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, ‘For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

‘And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once….

‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE F***** Porridge  YET

6-27-15

Weather: Beautiful day again.

What a great day we had out on the Lake yesterday. I’d put up a few pics but at the moment I have no idea where I put the cable for my iPhone. Or my pants, keys or my wallet, yep it was a great day. Stopped at Fish Tales for a snack, Becker ordered their raspberry and blue cheese chicken salad again, she said it was pretty damn good. We didn’t get back in till like 9:30 I think, only used 1/4 of a tank of gas. That’s a lot of fun for under $20.

I talked with the DNR at the launch, the CO told me fishermen were reporting about 20 small walleyes to 1 keeper, sounds like fishing improved a bit. May flies have been all over the place, one was even on the web cam down on the lake for a few days.

God went to the Arabs and said, 
‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’
The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’
And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’
‘Can you give us an example?’
‘Thou shall not kill.’
‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’

So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
‘Honor thy Father and Mother.’
‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.
We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
‘I have Commandments.’

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’
‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the French and said,
‘I have Commandments.’


The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’
‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’  
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
‘I have Commandments..’
‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
‘They’re free.’
‘We’ll take 10.’ 
 
Now that, should piss off just about everybody !